Why Constantly Calling Children “Good Boys” and “Good Girls” May Affect Their Confidence

 

The Hidden Pressure of “Good Boy” and “Good Girl”

Published by Genius School
Inside a Child’s Mind — Weekly Series

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“Be a good girl.”
“Good boys don’t argue.”
“Such a good child.”

Most adults say these things lovingly, naturally, almost automatically. And honestly, there is nothing wrong with wanting children to be kind, respectful, or well-behaved. But child psychologists have spent years studying something important: sometimes, children do not just hear guidance in these words — they hear a condition.

Slowly, many children begin believing:

“I am loved more when I behave the right way.”

And over time, being “good” can start feeling less like character and more like pressure.

 

The Child Who Is Always “Good”

Every classroom has that child — the one who rarely complains, avoids disappointing adults, stays quiet even when upset, and tries to do everything “right.” Adults usually admire these children because they appear mature, obedient, and responsible.

But psychologists often remind us that outward obedience does not always mean inner emotional comfort. Sometimes, children become “too good” because they are scared of making mistakes, losing approval, disappointing adults, or being seen as “bad.”

Research by psychologist Carol Dweck found that when children feel their identity is strongly tied to praise or labels, they can become more fearful of failure over time. Instead of taking healthy risks, they may begin protecting the image of being “smart,” “perfect,” or “good.” Children start worrying less about learning and more about staying accepted.

When Praise Becomes Identity

There is an important difference between saying: “That was a kind thing to do.”

And saying: “You are such a good girl.”

One appreciates a behaviour. The other can slowly become part of a child’s identity.

Why does that matter?

Because when children attach their worth to labels, even small mistakes can begin to feel personal. A child who constantly hears “You’re such a good boy” may eventually start thinking:

“If I fail, get angry, or disappoint someone… maybe I am not good anymore.”

That is a very heavy thought for a young mind to carry.

Studies on children’s motivation have repeatedly shown that certain kinds of praise can unintentionally increase anxiety around mistakes and reduce confidence after failure. Children begin focusing more on maintaining approval than expressing themselves honestly.

When Children Start Hiding Their Feelings

This is where many children slowly start hiding parts of themselves.

Some suppress their anger.
Some avoid disagreement.
Some become perfectionists.
Some apologize excessively even when they have done nothing wrong.

Not because they are manipulative or weak, but because they are trying very hard to remain lovable or impress. Eventually, they became people pleaser when they grew up.

Author and educator Alfie Kohn once explained that excessive approval can sometimes make children overly dependent on validation from adults instead of helping them develop their own internal sense of confidence and judgment.

And many adults reinforce this pattern without realizing it.

We smile more when children are convenient.
We praise them more when they stay quiet.
We call them “good” when they do not create difficulty.

But children also need emotional safety when they are frustrated, emotional, loud, confused, or imperfect. Because emotional safety is what allows honesty and confidence to grow together.

Children Are Still Learning Emotions

Children are still learning how to handle disappointment, anger, jealousy, embarrassment, and fear. Their brains are developing, and many emotions are still new to them.

So when a child struggles emotionally, it does not mean: “This is a bad child.”

It simply means: “This is a child having a hard time navigate their emotions properly.”

That small shift in understanding, changes the way adults respond to children completely.

What Helps Children More?

This does not mean children should never be encouraged or appreciated. They absolutely should. But instead of making “goodness” their identity, adults can focus more on describing effort, kindness, honesty, courage, or responsibility.

Instead of saying: “You’re such a good girl,”

We can say: “That was very thoughtful of you.”

Instead of saying: “You’re the best boy,”

We can say: “I noticed you kept trying even when it became difficult.”

These small shifts teach children something healthier. They learn that mistakes are normal, emotions are safe, and love does not disappear if you made a mistake.

The healthiest children are not the ones who appear “good” all the time. They are the ones who feel safe enough to be human while they grow.

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Brainie Says 💡

“Children bloom faster when they feel accepted, not just approved.”

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Sources & References

1. Carol Dweck’s Research on Praise and Mindset
2. Intrinsic Motivation and the Effects of Praise – PubMed
3. Alfie Kohn on Praise and Validation

 

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              While choosing a good school for your child, as a parent it would be a million dollar question that would be running in your mind now a day that your child should be in the young hands or the experienced one ? Well, looking at this debatable question, here we are today to throw some sunshine on it!

            As this is the 21^st century, looking at the competitive world education era is also changing. According to this era, every minute something new is taking birth in the education field as well and due to this, education is not limited to academic efforts only. Your child has to be updated from the 360 degree angle. Talking about the young teachers and their young minds, they have the tendency to learn everyday innovative which is actually required the most looking at the current scenario. Hence, young minds would be having more innovative techniques to teach in every single topic. Looking at the cons, it is generally found that young teachers are lacking at the patience level, which is a considerable factor, because the capacity of every child to learn will never be the same.

               On the other side, when it comes to understand the nature of a child, old and experienced teachers play a vital role. The vast experience of their life helps students to reveal and to frame their real personality in every sense. Major benefit is that, they will put the child development on a high priority, no matter whether it happens in a shorter span of a time or in a longer period of time. Hence, time is never a constraint for them. Now, talking about cons, it becomes little difficult for old and experienced teachers to adapt new things, while current era of knowledge demands innovation and updated ideas.

In a nutshell, any teacher has to understand that 360 degree education is a right of every child whether it is a behavioural education, academic education or extra-curricular education. And to make it meaningful and successful, it is our duty to adapt anything and everything whenever it is required.

“The aim of education is not only to make the students study the academic books but also to develop their practical knowledge to make them a MASTER PIECE”

                  In today’s time, the students are generally found to spend maximum time with educational books only, just learning and memorizing the bookish lines and lessons, moving into another grade. As a result, they are out of the world and competition when it comes to gain practical knowledge and to update their selves. Hence, it is very important for the students to know the current happenings to add value to their education. 

Current affairs in the student life not only keep them updated, but also inspire the other students to have healthy group discussion, sharing news and views. In fact, it does not only cover news but also contain information, facts, figures, history and much more which will help the students to understand where the country is leading. Also it helps them to understand their academic concepts from the 360 degree angle and guide them to decide their future plans as well. Apart from this, it is extremely important when it comes to crack the government competitive exams like UPSC, GPSC, SSC, IAS, IPS, IBPS, Clerical exams and so on where it is compulsory for the students to score good in Current Affairs section as well.  The schools can organize innovative activities regularly based on current affairs such as Online Quiz, Puzzles, Group Discussion, Debate, Research based homework etc.

             As we are aware that the upcoming generation is techno savvy, so it is advisable to the students as well to download such informative applications and spend at least half an hour of their day to know the world around. If this becomes habit, then surely the 21^st century will be an era of KNOWLEDGE in all the ways.

'Technology can become the “wings” that will allow educational world to fly further and faster than ever before – if we will allow it.'

               Generally parents are found complaining to the teachers about their children for the usage of mobiles. With the fact that the next generation is having one of the biggest addiction is of using MOBILES, it is also a fact that we can’t stop them to use a mobile but we can surely direct them where to use and how to use the technology.

Classroom technology such as projector facility, computers, videos and other digital aids are surely useful to develop the students, but what next? These facilities are limited to the classrooms or within the campus only. Mobile technology actually can be a blessing if the students can be involved in the innovations. For that, an educator can think to give such tasks and projects, where the students have to do research and analysis by using mobile technologies. The student engagement activities can be planned through developing educational apps which will not only divert their minds from casual gaming to educational learning but also make them habituated with brainstorming and to enhance their creativity. Educational games can be developed in form of apps only, to make their way of learning more interesting and knowledgeable.

                 In a nutshell, it’s not always about how to control; sometimes it is also about changing the perception and direction. It is up to educators where they want to lead their students and their future. If teaching and technologies can join their hands together, this era surely would be of an era of knowledge and innovation.

                  “When you KNOW BETTER, you DO BETTER.” In education, now an era needs to be changed. Learning never defines age. Recent era shows that only the students have to be smart, need to learn and required to be updated. But it’s time to change that outdated era and it’s time to initiate innovative ideas for educators as well. When we emphasis only upon the student learning and development, we fail to recall that it is an educator who is actually shaping the students and if they won’t be updated and advanced, how we can expect our students to be?

Here, the training part plays a vital role. It is very essential to understand that teachers’ training is equally important along with student’s study. The teachers should get the platform to perform their creativity, to present their ideas, to share their queries and to learn TECHTREND. By understanding this fact, Genius Group of Institutions has taken an initiative of ‘आर्षबोध’ – Teachers’ Enhancement Programme for the teachers of all the private schools running under Rajkot Self Finance School Association at Arsh Vidhya Vidhya Mandir. This programme is planned in such a manner that it will work as personalized training programme as per the request of an individual institute and as per the training requirement for the teachers on the different concepts. The teachers will acquire an opportunity to get training every month from the top experts from Gujarat as well as from India and also will be able to receive special blessings and guidance from Param Pujya Swami Parmatmanand Saraswatiji.

               We always say while teaching the students that ‘They are the nation’s future’ but why we forget that our educators are their future. And if we will not focus on their development and if we will not focus on this fact then, that era is not so far when it will give birth to another era ‘teacher less classrooms’!

“RIGHT THINGS AT A RIGHT TIME WILL LEAD YOU TO WRITE YOUR JOURNEY OF SUCCESS.”

                Looking at the current battle about Skill vs. Score, it becomes very puzzling where to lead your child. And a key problem that we have is leaning towards one among these two. But it is very important to understand the significance of both and to nurture your child accordingly. 

Analyzing the fact, it is the base of academic knowledge which makes us aware of the various skills required in the different sectors. And, here academic knowledge becomes the prime objective. Apart from this, when it comes to certain examinations like JEE, NEET, UPSC, GPSC, and other Government exams, score definitely matters in the cut-throat competition among the youth of today’s world, which is also an entry card to the professional life which can not be ignored completely.

While looking at the other element, skill development also plays a vital role in one’s success. Starting from the planning to implementation, time management to data management, learning to leadership, stress management to soft skills, each skill will decide your future growth and sustainability anywhere. It is an essential duty of the teachers from the day one to involve the students equally in various skills too because it can’t be developed by reading a book and in a limited period of time; it takes time to understand, practice and to implement over the period of time.

             It is advisable to parents not to pressurize children from Play House to till 9^th Grade for scoring excellent marks in the academics, and should focus more on the development of practical skills in a child. It is okay if the child is getting good results instead of excellent and is more focused in other curricular activities. While, from Grade 10^th to 12^th it becomes very necessary to make them involve in study because these years act as an entry card for their future. In these years skill activities shouldn’t be stop completely but here the time management definitely plays a great role. As a parent, if you will just analyze these facts accurately, surely it will make you ‘Proud Parents’ in future.